Whoo, I get to see Robbie tomorrow. :D

Past the angsty stage I was in for a while, so I can just enjoy going and getting to see her.

In the meantime, I have a new song that plays incessantly through my head. I remember it from Guitar Hero, and it came on the radio the other day: "No One Like You" by the Scorpions. The chorus alone is stuck in my head:

There's no one like you
I can't wait for the nights with you
I imagine the things we'll do
I just wanna be loved by you...

Perfect, yes? ^^ Damn, I can't wait til AX.

Feeling a bit lovesick lately... There has been a lack of communication since we've both been out a lot. I admit I feel a teensy bit neglected, but this lack of communication is my own fault too. Heck, I was out with Joey all day yesterday and I'm going over to Mikami's tonight... Might stay over if he lets me. (Oh, need to remember to bring Chasing Amy with me tonight.) And I'm never the one who calls, so... I guess it makes it seem like I'm not interested in talking or anything.

I've been doing nothing but listening to songs that remind me of her, playing BL games, reading erotic fanfiction, watching Junjou Romantica (which I've watched all eight current episodes of). So that's probably a big part of why I feel this way, too.

I guess it's just that I'm nervous. Nervous about seeing her this weekend. Nervous about how much time we'll actually get to spend together. Nervous about what all we might do (no matter how much I'm looking forward to it). Nervous about being not being accomadating enough. Nervous about being overbearing.

...Afraid of being selfish. Afraid of another long-distance relationship after what happened last time. Afraid of feeling this intensely after only having known each other for a couple weeks. Afraid of having to live with it.

To be honest, probably a bit part of the reason why I like Junjou Romantica as much as I do is because the relationship between Misaki & Usagi and Hiro & Nowaki reminds me very much of what's going on between us. I'm a bit of a combination of Hiro -- due to being the older one -- and Misaki -- in my desire to be as accomodating as possible and not be any trouble. I share a bit of their fear and reluctance, too, and like them, not because the feelings aren't there. I suppose I'm much more like Hiro, really, now that I think about it, since I'm still getting over my last love.

I suppose this would be a lot easier if we were actually together. That's one thing those guys had on their side: everyday physical contact. Until that happens -- if that happens -- this is just a fantasy world I'm living in.



I know this sounds like a horribly depressing blog, and I'm not really as sad as I come across in it. I'm just... oh hell, I don't know what the word is.

...Lonely, I guess.

Feeling it painfully tonight after playing MelloxNear sim for hours (I think like 7...) and talking with Shayne about our respective love lives... But I was just fine until he managed to remind me again just how much of a physical person I am, how much I dreaded crawling into an empty bed those first few weeks, and how I'm dreading it tonight.

All I know right now is that, more than anything, I want to hold her... To feel her body pressed tightly up against mine, to be able to take in the scent of her skin and her hair... To taste her sweet, soft lips (faintly tinged with the flavor of chocolate, I'm sure) just once more... I want to be with her so badly right now.

Ugh, I swear, I must love to torture myself, 'cause I can't get all of this out of my mind. It could just be a unfortunate combination of things: being in a near-constant state of arousal all day, and not having done anything about it; playing that damn addictive sim; eating chocolate pocky; MySpace acting up and preventing us from being able to message freely back and forth... Maybe the camping plans not going "exactly as planned" (not that it's anyone's fault, really, just a disappointment, as it may mean all the less time that we get to spend together)...

*sigh*

Yeah, sounds about right.

Hell, at this point, I'm more nervous about this weekend than I am about AX. Just because we'll have so many restrictions, I guess. *sigh*

Just gotta be patient and remember that everything happens for a reason.

Everything.

... *sigh*


-----


And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed
They say it's my fault, but I want her so much
Wanna fly her away, where the sun and rain
Come in over my face, wash away all the shame
When they stop and stare - don't worry me
Cause I'm feelin' for her what she's feeling for me
I can try to pretend, I can try to forget
But it's driving me mad, going out of my head...

-t.A.T.u: "All the Things She Said"

Okay, since this is about the only place where I can post without having to worry about certain people reading it, I'm going to do this here.

I've had crushes on girls in the past, but this time it's different. I noticed her from the first moment I saw her. It wasn't just that she was attractive, but she had such a distinctive look and exuded so much confidence and self-assurance about herself and her place in the world... I've always been attracted to that type of personality. That's why it so surprised me later when I learned that she was actually much younger than I.

I knew we would be asked to kiss at some point; at a convention with hundreds of yaoi fans, how could it not happen? But with that one kiss, I knew in my heart that I could no longer deny it. I'm bi, just like I knew all along, and it's all Robbie's fault because I'm absolutely smitten with her. lol

I could just be bi for her, I suppose. I'm not sure yet. But I know that this is a wonderful feeling, and I haven't felt this way in a very long time.

I can't remember the last time I felt flutters in my chest when I get a new message, or warmth spreading in my abdomen when I think about being with her (or having to keep my legs together all the time because I'm thinking about being in bed with her, lol), or just the feeling of being genuinely happy just to like someone, and not feel sad all the time because my life is crap -- which, thank gawd, it no longer is after this past weekend. I have a whole new set of friends. I can't remember the last time I felt this happy. I just want to revel in it and dream of times ahead.

I like to think about her soft mouth, her smooth skin, her sexy stomach... But even more than that, I love the way she laughs, I love her outlook on life, and I love how we seemed as drawn to each other as moths to a flame -- as the old cliche goes. I love how her cloudy eyes reflect emotions felt deep inside, and that I was so acutely aware of this that I couldn't look her in the eye for long and had to concentrate on every other aspect of her body. lol

Doesn't help that she has a mind as dirty as mine. lol. A major part of the reason why my last relationship failed is because his interest in sex dwindled down to almost nil after I started losing weight. (Course, it was already heading down that road.) So, it's a little bit intimidating to be exposed to someone who's interested in you in the same way as you are them. While a lot of this is began as a sexual attraction, I can assure you that there's more to it than that.

I remember her kisses more clearly than the rest the con, to be perfectly honest. I remember thinking how wonderfully soft and warm her mouth was. I feel a slight ache that I never took things a little further, didn't get at least a little more aggressive when certain times called for it; but on the other hand, I'm just grateful that any of it happened at all, and that she feels the same way.

I only have two worries right now.

One is not knowing where the boundaries are with her. I don't know how far to take things; whether I might take them too far or not enough. Both, taken to the extreme, would cause alienation, and that's the last thing I want right now. Not just for myself, but because I don't want to make her uncomfortable. That's why I'm more or less had to fall back on my uke-nature. She's told me that she is desired by many people, and I don't want to become just another adoring -- but annoying -- fangirl, someone who pushes hard for something which may not even be there. (Yes, I'm insecure, I'm sorry, but after so many years, it's hard not to be. I'm not unbearably so or anything; I'm just stating this for the record.) I know from experience that I'm very good at putting people off. More than anything, I don't wan't it to happen with her. (Hence why I'm incredibly nervous about her reading this...)

The other worry is my mother finding out -- at least at this point in time -- since I know she never forgave one of my half-sisters for turning out gay. While she has nothing against gay people in particular, she's made it pretty clear that she doesn't want any it in her own family. (Though, as I said, I'm bi, not gay, but she equates that with promiscuity. *eyeroll*) And I *know* she won't approve of the age difference. To me, it means virtually nothing, because immature age doesn't necessarily equate to immature emotions or mentality. Too many people grow up too fast due to life's circumstances. I know, I've been there.

Regardless, I will postpone telling my mother about my particular revelation for as long as I can... at least until after Anime Expo. (She is laying down a lot of money for me to go, after all. Best not risk blowing this chance by saying something that might cause everything to be cancelled.)

The fact is that this is so unlike any relationship (and I suppose it is a relationship, just by virtue of the fact that we know and relate to each other) that I have ever had that I don't want to screw things up on the first try. So, if it's okay with her, I'd like her to set the pace of things and I will gladly follow along. It's almost impossible to take things too far with me if I truly, honestly like you, and I really, really like her. ^_^



lol, There, are you satisfied now?

As most people know, I VERY rarely write in this journal. The few times I have, it's either been because I couldn't post in MySpace or didn't want a certain someone to see my blog entries. And let me tell you, it's a very good thing that he didn't see that last one I made here (it's set to private). Though, I have to admit, it was well-written, although blatantly verbally abusive.

I'm not quite sure what has spurred me to write now. Talking to Mazoku, I guess. She reminded me that I actually have one of these, lol.

Well, I'm procratinating right now, I'll tell you that. I'm supposed to be reading the last 5 volumes of The New York Times for my Environment class, but I feel more like reading fanfiction. lol.

Damn, can't think of much else to write, even though there's a million things I could say. Like I said, I rarely write here, so I guess it's not surprising. I don't write much of MySpace either, though I suppose I should. I need to quit it with the quizzes. lol. They take the place of real blogs most of the time.

Oh, here's something interesting: I'm currently in a David Bowie-obsession phase. Crap! LOL. I want to watch Labyrinth again.

Later.

Had a very good day today.

Got up at an ungodly hour after getting the smallest amount of sleep that would allow a human being to function (so, about 2 hours). I was incredibly hyper, though. My Philosophy homework was a breeze, and it looks like I have another A coming my way. My Japanese quiz also went well (except for when I didn't remember what "totemo" meant, which is actually because I don't even remember us going over it in class...)

Did a very small amount of RPing today, sadly. Which really SUCKED because I was SO in the mood ALL FREAKING DAY. ...And I do mean "in the mood." >.> And no, not even watching two Japanese guys going at it really satisfied me. I would have gone for another round, but... Well, I had other stuff to do.

I've been made a moderator on a new Initial D forum, so I'm having fun with that. I kept going back and forth from checking various forums to hanging on MySpace, to finishing up 2 of the 3 English yaoi manga that arrived in the mail today. :3

Day ended very well. Alex and I had a makeout session on the couch (which we haven't done, in, like, years, XD) and then had a VERY interesting adventure when we moved to the bedroom. This included the extreme sensitivity of my neck, followed by my begging him to bite me... which was a first. O.o I have to admit I enjoyed it immensely -- which is to say I was whimpering and moaning loud enough that I'm almost positive I was heard. XD It ended with you-know-what, but NOT in you-know-where... Yeah, OTHER one. And for the first time, it didn't hurt at all. I did twice, too. Whoo. *fans self* That was HOT.

I'm SO doing that again in the morning. XDDDD

Gotta get up early so I can get in some Arcade Mania tomorrow. Whoo, tomorrow is going to rock. Sex, followed by Initial D, and then, hopefully, at the end of the day, sex WITH Initial D (meaning RPing with Skuld. I can't fucking wait). XDDD

-Riven

Just until I get to a computer with java turned on. I can't post this on MySpace at the moment.

Okay, so, we had to do a skit today in Japanese. Only, one of our group members was absent. We couldn't have someone fill in for Seth (since his part was very particular to his personality), so Eliya and I decided to just improvise. Here's a summary of how it went down. I'll just provide the English translation.



Eliya: (Elizabeth, hello. Happy New Year.)
Me: (Eliya, Happy New Year. How are you?)
Eliya: (I am well. You?)
Me: (I'm fine. ...Ohhh, I'm so hungry.)
Eliya: (Let's go eat.)
Me: (Sure, let's go.)

Me: *completely out of the blue* ("Inside Benihana")
We sit down at a table.

Eliya: (Between sushi and sukiyaki, which do you like better?)
Me: (I love sushi!)
Eliya: *stutters, trying to think of a line*
Me: ... *calls out to the side, raising an arm* (Excuse me!)

Eliya: *laughs, then realizes* ...Oh, I'll be the waiter. *stands up, coming around to the other side of the table* (Yes?)
Me: (One order of sushi, please)
Eliya: (Yes, of course.) *walks away* ... *walks back to sit at the table*

Me: *takes an invisible plate out of the air, setting it on the table*
We each pick up an invisible piece of sushi and pretend to eat it.
Me: (Mmm... It's so good!)
Eliya: (Yes, it is.) *stutters again, trying to think of something*

Me: *out of the blue again, holds up an invisible bottle* (...Sake?)
Eliya: *cracks up*
Me: (I love sake!) *pretends to drink the hole bottle and passes out on the table*
Eliya: *throws up hands* The end!



XD~

I HAVE started writing again. ^_________^

Okay, so very soon after I posted my last entry, I wrote a bit for the Tatsuha/Ryuichi RP. That made me start to think about how I like Tatsuha/Yuki, too. So I thought about introducing an RP with that pairing. Suddenly it occurred to me that here I'm doing all this stuff with Gravitation characters, and not for Initial D. And why not? There's a set of brothers in each.

So I start to wonder why it is that I'm able to come up with good ideas for Tatsuha and Yuki, but not Keisuke and Ryousuke. After all, my Tatsuha is a lot like Shingo, except he has a serious case of hero worship. ^o^ And THEN I started thinking, wait a sec... what if I made Keisuke more like Tatsuha?

So, now I've started a new fic. I was positively BURSTING with ideas earlier, before my art class, but after inhaling dry pastel dust for two and a half hours... ugh. Can't say I'm in the mood to write right now. I just hope I can RP with Skuld later. *sigh* I'll stop by the message board now so that I can get some "juices" flowing, LOL.

-Riven

Okay, so lately I've started this Shingo & Takeshi Initial D RPG with my friend Skuld. But now, things are even better, because I'm engaged in TWO RPs. ^_^ I've started a Gravitation one with a new friend in the Yaoi RPG group I joined on MySpace. It's Tatsuha/Ryuichi, and it's really good so far! ^______^ Yay! I'm writing again!

...Sorta... I dunno, does RPing count as writing? *sigh*

-Riven

Well, my "project fic" is still going; I add to it whenever I'm at the regular computer (since I don't have it on my laptop). I've at least come up with something good for the "transition point" (you know, when Takeshi and Shingo go from being, well, themselves XD, to hot-and-horny). It's actually based off of something from Calvin and Hobbes, but I'll either tweak it so it's less distinguishable, or credit Bill Watterson. I'll have to see how it goes.

I am having one little problem with it, though. Originally, Takeshi was going to be the seme. Then I decided it would be funny if Shingo turned the tables on his just as they start "getting busy." Then, recently, I didn't think it would be plausible that Takeshi would initiate things, so, forgetting about my little plan, I switched who said what. Suddenly, Shingo started coming on strong, and Takeshi became kinda shy. Now I'm stuck because I can't figure out what to do. There are some lines that I made up earlier that I don't want to lose by making this change.

So, the question is, where do I take things from here? Ultimately, I want Shingo to be seme in this fic, but I'm just not quite sure how to carry things out. This is mainly supposed to be a humorous fic; jokes abound everywhere. So, I'd prefer not to make things too dramatic. *sigh*

Oh well. I'll sleep on it. Or maybe just read some gay stories. lol

So, I'm brushing up my old (OLD) Shingo & Takeshi fic that I started, like, two summers ago. I just separated everything into chapters (since it's already 25 pages, and I haven't even finished some parts of it yet), and I added in a few bits to make up for the choppiness.

This is good. I'm finally making some progress. It's just too bad that I start school on Wednesday. Bummer. >.<; Might as well revel in the creative energy while I can. *sigh*

If only the damn lemon scene didn't make me so squeamish. Don't get me wrong; I'm EXCELLENT at writing lemon scenes, but I think I'm getting a little graphic even for my own taste. I mean, I write them in a way that you so rarely see. I suppose it's because I mix up real life experiences in them, so I'm kinda shy about revealing that part of myself to the general public, you know?

*sigh* My lemons also tend to be a little more... um, explicit, graphic, whatever you wanna call it... than most; but then, I don't use "dirty words" too much (in fact, I use them sparingly). I guess sometimes I'm just intimidated by my own talent.

...I'm not being egotistical here, I'm being serious. Sometimes, my writing scares me because it's not mainstream. I mean, hell, look at that other Takeshi/Shingo fic I wrote; the title, "More Than Friends", seems to indicate that the fic's going to be kind of fluffy, and then WHAM! Hel-LO, alcohol and graphic gay SEX! One person told me that they thought it implied date-rape! I was like, "O.O ...'Kay."

I absolutely LOVE that fic; it's my baby. But I guess I wanna actually write something a little bit more, how do you say, less offensive? Less dirty? Just a wee bit. I mean, hell, I'm not going to leave anything to the imagination (XD), but I might as well make the situation a little more conventional. ...If you can call gay sex conventional. LOL

Anyway, I really should get some sleep. I've been on the computer since just after midnight, so I'm kinda wired (no, REALLY?). But there might be something that I need to be awake for tomorrow, so Imma make some tea and scooch myself off to bed.

I just wish I wasn't so damn horny, LOL.

Okay, quickie entry.

1. I'm going to get back into writing now, so maybe I should start recording my progress here. I issued a writing challenge to yaoi_D (Title: How to Drive a Stick), and I'm working out some possibilities:

--a Ryousuke/Keisuke
...Ryousuke teaches Keisuke how to drive (at 18)

--Takeshi/Shingo or Shingo/Takeshi
...Takeshi teaches classmate Shingo how to drive at 18; end up sleeping together, causing rift; later, Shingo joins Night Kids, and rivalry continues
P.S. also include comment about Shingo's Civic's "bubble butt"

--Ryousuke/Takumi
...Takumi reminisces to Ryousuke how he learned to drive (mix it up a bit between series and live movie)

Um, I was going to write something else, but I can't remember what. Damn.

I actually have two ideas for Ryousuke/Keisuke that I've been turning over in my mind for some time. The first one I came up with--gee, I think that was in winter--is just a funny "what if" story: "WHAT IF Keisuke barged into Ryousuke's room like usual, only Ryousuke was fresh from the shower and stark naked?" XD

The other one I've been thinking about is a Keisuke/Ryousuke with a bit of a dark psychological twist. Basically, Keisuke becomes REALLY possessive of his Aniki when he catches him stealing glances at Fujiwara. ^_^ Yes, a very hard lemon ensues.

...Damn, those are good ideas. GAH, I wish I had more time! All right, prioritize, girl; get the Shingo/Takeshi done first, then worry about the other shit. I didn't even do any work today, damn it. And it's a quarter after three in the morning. I gotta stop it with these late nights. >_

I . . . could . . . be . . . published . . .

http://www.yaoicon.com/fiction_anthology.html

Eeep.

[insert infinitely long string of “ohmygod”s]

Okay, here's the plan: either I

a) finish up the Shingo/Takeshi I started last year;
or
b) polish an idea I got several months ago for a Ryousuke/Keisuke
or
c) start from scratch, and do a Ryousuke/Takumi.


PROS AND CONS

A) SHINGO/TAKESHI
PROS - Mostly finished; extremely humorous; nice twist before the lemon.
CONS - While everyone loves to speculate about underlying feelings these two have for each other, a fanfic concerning the two of them, even an explicit one, is not something most Initial D yaoi fangirls will dive for.

B) RYSOUSUKE/KEISUKE
PROS - A definite crowd pleaser; good opportunity to address a complicated issue (incest)
CONS - Lemon may be difficult to initiate, unless a good deal of psychology is weaved in. And while I did come up with the humorous idea (see as: lightbulb=BING) behind this story some months ago, I was never able to take it seriously enough to finish it. Also, despite how HARD yaoi can get, especially since this is for Yaoi-Con, I'm still not sure I like the idea of having such a topic published, particularly since I'd like to SHARE the story.

C) RYOUSUKE/TAKUMI
PROS - Good opportunity to experiment writing my favorite pairing for the first time; surefire crowd-pleaser, since this is the most popular, least offensive yaoi pairing in Initial D; by using the most popular, least offensive, and most incredibly OBVIOUS pairing in Initial D, it's the perfect way to introduce new readers to the series.
CONS - TIME LIMIT (need I say more?).


Okay, so after weighing these pros and cons, I see that I probably should go along with the Shingo/Takeshi fic. There is an additional pro -- more exposure to the coupling. That would be VERY good for me, since I seem to be able to write their personalities the best so far. I think that is mostly due to the fact that, in a way, they remind me of Trunks and Goten. When I was still writing DBZ fics (as "Supaa Saiyajin Trinity"), I LOVED to write funny scenes between those two, so in that regard, it's been an easy transition. I love using humor in tense situations, and there's no better fic than one that leaves you not only aroused, but also with an aching gut from laughing so much. Of course, I never got to the point where I combined humor and romance with Trunks and Goten in the same fic, but I'm very confident that I can do it here. Everything is already set up for me, so I just have to add in that wonderful twist, and then write the lemon. I do have to decide on how descript I want to be this time; I might have overdone it just a wee bit in the last fic. ^_^;

However, since there is an equal number of pros and cons for both A and C, I will be keeping the possibility of a Ryousuke/Takumi open. I only have about 10 days (more like 8 or 9, really, since I think I should leave a day open for someone to beta it), but you just never know. If a really, really good idea hits me, I'm going to go with it. That means no procrastinating. If I think of something, I have to think it ALL THE WAY THROUGH, and I have to get it down right away.

Okay, so that's settled. It's after four in the morning now, and though I'm still wide-awake, I really should end this entry now. Wish I could sleep, but I'm not sleepy. Wish I could get busy on my Shingo/Takeshi (I STILL need a title, damn it! >_<), but I'd like to start with a fresh mind tomorrow. That reminds me, NOTE TO SELF: listen to Takeshi and Shingo's versions of "Back on the Rocks" and "Don't Stand So Close" while working.

*sigh* I wish I had found out about this competition earlier. I would have liked a little more time to think. But then again, I've always worked best under pressure. If I can do a 4-page report on a single piece of artwork in two or three hours the morning before it’s due, AS WELL AS a detailed sketch of the piece, then I can finish up a near-complete fic in less than 10 days. I can do it, damn it. I'm not going to let this opportunity get away from me. This is my first step towards becoming a real writer.

On a final note, as for the not being a prized-favorite pairing thing... well, Hobbes once said to Calvin, "I admire your willingness to put artistic integrity before marketability." At the time, he was making a point that Calvin's work (horrible-looking creatures made from slush and ice that, nevertheless, make a point about life) wouldn't get much positive acclaim, and hinted that Calvin should conform to the norm of the creation of the simple, more traditional snowman. In other words, the message here is that one should not necessarily create with passion, but with knowledge of how well the idea(s) behind his creation would be accepted by the public.

I, however, will create only will create only with the highest amounts of creative energy, determination, and faith in my performance as a creative writer, that I will nonetheless take pride in the accomplishment of a finished product, despite a lack of positive reviews (or any, for that matter). As Riven Liether, my maxim is "to thine own self be true." And if writing Takeshi and Shingo fics brings out my skills, then damn it all, that's what I'm going to write. The judges will be looking for an entertaining story with a plausible romantic setting, and that's what I'm going to give them.

I'm going to do it.

Okay, I STILL can't figure it out. It's been 6 days since I posted my re-edited version of "More Than Friends", and there are still aren't any reviews on it. I mean, I put it in an Initial D yaoi LiveJournal community AND in the yaoi_d Yahoo! group, and there's just, nothing. It's 17 pages (on Word), almost 10 of which are pure smut. I mean, the story would be considered a PWP if I hadn't set it up so well. It's more accurate now, since they're drinking wine instead of sake...

I can't figure out why. Is it too dramatic? Too realistic? Too out-of-character? Too descriptive? Too non-con? It's unlikely that it's the last two, since it's hard to have something that's too descriptive unless you're bordering on wordy, which I KNOW I didn't; I made sure of it this time. And even if it was kinda non-con-ISH in the beginning, hell, there are still tons of girls who read that. *I* do.

Maybe they don't like it because there's alcohol involved? I just figured that, truthfully, if two guys with personalities like Shingo's and Takeshi's have hidden feelings for each other, they're only going to come out if they're drunk as fools. I mean, really. It's SHINGO and TAKESHI. Egotistical, macho idiots.

...Maybe I just watch too much porn. I don't know. *sigh* I don't mean to sound like a drama queen about this, but I'm one of those writers who needs encouragement, and lots of feedback; good or bad, I need to know what people think about my writing. I just do. But it's so disheartening when people just seem to flee whenever I post something.

I just wish someone would tell me what's wrong with it. What's SO terrible about it that people would avoid giving me their opinion on it when there's so little Initial D yaoi fanfiction as it is?

I found this piece of a recent entry in someone's MySpace blog. The parts about writing sound SO much like me and my process, it's scary (of course, I haven't had my wisdom teeth out, but the metaphor is accurate):



"I'm reading back pages of my notebook and hoping that I haven't lost it all; that I'm good enough to be somebody at this writer's workshop. I always tell myself that I can write, because I really can - I have notebooks and notebooks and stories and stacks of pages that I've written, and even if only one sentence comes out right, it makes it all fucking worthwhile.

The closest metaphor I can think of for the effect writing has on me is this: I was on Oxycodone for three weeks after I got my wisdom teeth out, and I didn't think it affected me - until I realized that I wasn't walking straight because my vision was sliding back and forth. Writing makes me hyper-aware of details, yet completely oblivious to my surroundings. And that's why, when I can't write, whether because my head is too wrapped up in other things (this is why relationships suck for the Me) or I'm just too damn tired, I feel like going into the kitchen and digging up those extra pills."



Seriously, what the fuck. I thought I was the only one.

Anyway, still sorta trying to work on stuff. It's hard, now that I've come down with this... thing. I went to the doctor; he said it's either whooping cough or allergies. Whooping cough was his first thought, and we were like, no way, I was vaccinated. Then he says it's only good for about 4 or 5 years, which means I would have started being succeptible to it when I was 9. Whoopee. Well, no matter how you look at it, I have a long ordeal to put up with: if it's allergies, I get to put up with it all through summer and possibly fall too; and if it's whooping cough, it'll be another 6-9 months of this confounded continuous coughing. Grrr.

Wish I could think better. These damn meds are fucking with my head. I still have so much work to get done... *sniff, cough cough cough* Not fair.

I'M HYPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*cough* It's mostly because I just finished my (final, I hope) editing of More Than Friends. I've reposted it in yaoi_d and on MediaMiner.org, and for the first time here, in LiveJournal, in the initial_d_yaoi community.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Make a Star Wars parody with Initial D. You could call it CAR WARS.

[Darth Bunta] Tak, I am your father.
[Tak Skywalker] ::cheek scratch:: Dad, have you been sniffing tofu again?

[Itsuki-Wan Kenobi] Use the Course, Tak!



*sigh* Anyway, I've been racking my brains for the last 2 hours on a new title for an old Takeshi/Shingo fic. The one I was using was REALLY weak (almost as bad as the title for the other Takeshi/Shingo fic that I did finish and publish), so I wanna redo it. But I can't think of one. ARG! The first one was inspired by a quote, but the quote didn't even apply to the story. So I'm trying to find a new quote that will, but it's haaaaaarrrrrrrrrd... ::pout::

Just saw "Secret Window" for the first time this week. After it was over, I asked myself, "...And I waited so long to watch this, WHY?" lol. It was really twisted and creepy in the last 15 minutes, and you realize just how messed up Johnny Depp's character is. And, of course, it helps that I identified with him as a writer.

It actually inspired me a little; helped me to understand the tangibility of the writing process, and what someone like me might need in order to come up with something truly original. Maybe I actually can come up with an idea for a novel.

Admittedly, some of the best ideas I got for stories [fanfiction] were when I was a) unhappy, and/or b) alone. Understandably, Depp's character -- hereafter referred to as "Mort", as that is the character's name -- was both of these things, since he was living by himself practically out in the wilderness, with only a dog and the memories of his beautiful ex-wife (who took up with another man) to accompany him. Being unhappy, of course, causes pain, and pain can bring forth a great deal of creative energy. After all, when you're unhappy, you're not only mourning the present, but also the future, as well as loss of the past. Considering my relationship with Alex, which of course is filled with drama -- long distance, having to deal with unfaithfulness on his part, his living here, a bit of unfaithfulness on MY part -- there has been an immeasurable amount of pain in my heart. As such, a few stories have been brought forth. Naturally, they took the form of fanfiction, since I've never been one to be able to write original stories that were anything to marvel at.

Now, as for being alone, Mort, as stated, lives by himself in a small house, secluded from the rest of society. While I have never had this experience myself, I have often wished for such a house in such a place, where I could be completely disassociated from the rest of society, and be able to live in my own little world. But of course, there are downsides to such a life. On one hand, a person can go mad from prolonged inexposure to human contact. Naturally, this leads to bouts of paranoia -- and again, there is a surge of creative energy. There is a question of how it is that people who don't live "alone in the wilderness" can achieve such levels of creativity, but I cannot answer for those people, as I am not one to write horror -- yet. Should the day come, I probably won't be living in the conditions I am now.

You know, we writers are a strange lot; we enjoy being odd, and we use it to our advantage. The difference between a psychopath and a writer (according to the film "Drift") is that a psychopath has no control over his thoughts and actions, whereas a writer is able to explore the darker side of their fantasies without actually becoming a part of them -- that is, by acting them out. Two days in a row this week, I watched a film concerning writer(s) and/or writing, and it’s been a valuable experience. I really need to to watch more movies concerning this subject.

1. I got a review on "More Than Friends" (I have GOT to change that title). I shall quote it:

Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10
Comment/Review:
Honestly, I'm not a big fan of Takeshi or Shingo, but I really enjoyed this story. It was kind of PWP, but not disgustingly so (if you don't think that can be done, read more fanfiction). The relationship between the characters was nice, and I especially liked the way Shingo was duped by the not quite drunk Takeshi. Funny, I didn't imagine Shingo to be Uke, but he seemed to fit the role easily in this. Job well done.

::beams:: My first (written) review for this story. Hey, Amani, did you ever read this fic? (Aw crap, I'm on my high-horse again. Shoo, Epona! ...Yeesh, I've been playing too much Zelda. ^_^;) Anyway, the reviewer made a good point about the Shingo-uke thing; I've been thinking that I would like to write one with hime as the seme, just once, since it does seem to fit better with his personality. Question is about perspective, though. ::shrug:: I'll figure it out when I get there. I still got another Takeshi/Shingo to take care of (it's like, almost completely done, except for the lemon), and I gotta move on to my Takahashi Kyoudai and Takumi-kun. ^_^; I'm thinking...threesome? ::ecchi grin::

2. I FINALLY got a jump-start on my beta work for Rivalry Stage chapter 1. NOW I can't have any problems. Starting is always the hard part, and the rest is smooth sailing. I got the first couple of paragraphs taken care of, so now I can rest easy, and go finish my homework guilt-free. ^_^; I'll go back to it later if I have time, but it's like, 9:30, so if I wanna get some sleep tonight, I'd better be in bed by 11 at the latest. *sigh* School is SUCH a pain in the ass.

3. Did I mention I'm really getting into the vignette thing now? For anyone who doesn't know, a vignette is "a short piece of writing . . . which clearly expresses the typical characteristics of something or someone" (freesearch.co.uk) Basically, you can compare a vignette to a snapshot; starting with what is usually first-person perspective, you take one scene that may be, in real time, only a few minutes--or even a few seconds--long and describe it in vivid detail, tying in memories and past experiences, thereby turning it into a well-rounded, thorough, and enlightening piece of writing. We've been doing these in my Ethnic Lit class as part of an assignment (they're supposed to tie into themes in the short novel we're reading, "The House on Mango Street). Here are the three I've done so far.

-----
On FRIENDSHIP:

I met her online. It was funny really; I found an online journal, noticed the writer liked an anime that I do, and I thought she was interesting. So I wrote to her. We became friends really fast. It was wonderful to have someone to stay up talking to all night, someone to share things with. We played role-playing games, and I became eager to write again, which I tended to have trouble doing in those days. But I always felt so wonderful that I was inspired, happy. I look back on those times with such fondness, but bitterness too. Bitterness that it was taken away from me, ripped away; bitterness over how I do not even know why. Was there a rule I broke? Did I say something wrong? Did I somehow demand too much of her time? I can only wish that I knew, instead of still sitting here, longing for the friend I once had as I write over and over the desperation I feel, the loneliness, until it the pain blossoms in my chest and my fingers still on the keyboard and I just want to cry.

-----
On BEAUTY:

When I was little, I always liked to wear my mother’s clothes. She always looked so sophisticated, while I was just a frumpy little kid. The clothes never fit, and her shoes especially never did, but it was still fun to pretend.

My mother doesn’t own dresses--she likes to look professional. But I would take her fancy shirts out the closet and hold them against my chest, wondering how I would look when I had the curves to fill them out. I would put them on away, just for fun, and watch them droop off my figure.

How I wanted to be older and glamorous instead of just a kid who wore jeans all the time, whose feet were too small to fit in my mother’s shoes. Still, I would parade about in front of the full-length mirror, wearing those fancy clothes, until I was called for dinner.

What were you doing in my room, she’d say when I finally came out. I couldn’t tell her how I felt. How much I wanted to look like her when she put on her nice work clothes in the morning and trudged off to work. How lucky she was to have the money and the status to have to wear such nice things. How much I hated to be a little kid. So instead I would say, nothing, sit in my chair, and lift my fork to eat my food.

-----
On DEATH

I was pretty young when my grandfather died. I remember him well. Whenever he’d come up from Los Angeles with my grandma, we’d play together. He’d put on the old Mickey Mouse puppet I had and we would talk. I loved him so much because he’d be my friend as well as my relative.

When he died, I didn’t really understand why he was gone. I understood dead, just not its real meaning. My grandma told me when we were in the big church that he was up above us, looking down on us. I didn’t understand. I imagined him, floating on his back, looking down. Like a ghost that we couldn’t see.
Wouldn’t that be fun, I thought, my mind starting to wander up in the direction of my grandfather; to be able to be invisible. No one knows you’re there, and you can see and hear and do whatever you want, it seemed. That would be really neat. I could know everything.

And then suddenly, it hit me. While I’d know everything, I wouldn’t be able to talk to anyone. I’d be completely alone. No family, no friends, no laughter. Just cold and alone.

And with that humble realization, I sank back down to earth.

-----

To be honest, I still think they need a little work. I'd like to add in some visual descriptions of my grandfather and mother as well, to help complete the mental image a little better. But these things are usually banged out (along with my assignments) in about 30 minutes, so I never really thought to polish them. Maybe I will, but I'm really looking forward to using a vignette style of writing in fanfiction. It's just my type of thing. I'm not sure if I can explain it, but... it's easier for me, somehow. It's the "short bursts" thing, I guess--I'm good at that. Well, anyway, I gotta go work on that homework. I've wasted, like, 20 minutes typing this out (and copying the other stuff, of course ^_~;).

So, yeah, good mood. Go me.

-Riven